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The earliest group conversations in my memory go back to Boarding School days. At less than 10 years of age the topic of conversation was always food. Three times a day sumptuous meals were provided, but one was always hungry and the tuck shop remained the most frequented spot on campus. Receiving letters or parcels from home was perhaps the only other prominent issue to be talked about. If any one of the group members didn't receive at least one letter per week, there was gloom all around, for fear that perhaps the parents were headed to splitsville and were trying to keep the news to themselves by remaining incommunicado. Insecure and Hungry!
Adolescence struck soon thereafter and discussions veered around to members of the opposite sex. Oh so and so had a crush on such and such hunk or how he was oblivious to it and not reciprocating. This was perhaps the longest phase, stretching from 12 years of age to maybe 21. Since it was still "medieval" India, real interaction with the opposite sex was limited. Also, schools/stations were frequently changed and discussions in girly gangs consisted mostly of real or make-believe crushes, in lands left behind. The mind was a fertile ground for creating fictitious situations in fantasy lands. One ventured there with caution, but it allowed one to live starry eyed dreams and share sheer romantic nonsense with the group. Sane and concerned advisories were common. "Oh you really must make up your mind, whether you like Rohit or Mukesh". In all probability, both were non-existent characters who had been concocted, for some crush had to be invented to keep up with the Joneses. After all no one wanted to be called a Backward Child!
Sometimes a fellow-debater or TT player, became the object of one's unrequited love and hence a topic of conversation in the dormitory/class-room, even before names could be exchanged by the pair. This was the beginning of the Mills & Boon phase, when TDH was Tall, Dark and Handsome and not a mis-spelt DTH ( Direct To Home satellite TV). The 189 or 191 pages of an M&B novel, where the height of romantic love was holding hands and looking into each other's eyes at sun-set, were dissected and analysed so threadbare that even the worst critics of this genre of writing went week- kneed during discussions. Of course one graduated from M&B to Jane Austen, Pearl S Buck, Emily Bronte etc and much more. But the topic of puppy love & romance flourished and was never far from the girl-crowd's mind. It is my guess that not many had actually had a taste of love till that age but everyone waited for their own TDH knight in shining armour to come and rescue them from a horrible, yet un-defined fate. Huh?
Many actually realised their romantic dreams of the Second Phase during the following years, while some had them permanently shattered by a traditional Arranged Marriage. Some famous definitions did emerge as a consequence of this eg Love Marriage is when you marry the person you love while Arranged Marriage is when you have no option but to love the person you marry. But really, talking about Romance actually became taboo. If the romance actually happened it was all hush-hush. Probably that was the age of the Victorian Maiden and one emulated Bollywood divas in denying all "relationships", platonic or otherwise. "Oh we are just friends", became the refrain.
Then the Topic of Discussion suddenly changed. During the post graduation phase all one could talk about was the merit of Tata McGraw Hill publication over Manorma Year Book. Intense intellectual discussions, over freshly roasted peanuts and steaming hot cups of Chai became the norm. Discussions ranged from the benefits of Capitalism to the ideals of Utopian Socialism (which so inspired budding Marxists); from the merits of Presidential form of Government to relative advantages of Parliamentary Democracy. Career and ambition dominated the scene and nothing could have changed group dynamics as rising ambitions did. Everyone was a competitor and there was no greater comfort than in being secretive. SAT, GMAT, GRE were virtually unheard of and UPSC, RBI, PO, UGC exam etc. were innocuous, objective and safe subjects to talk of.
Some of us actually proved to be lucky thereafter and got into the services and headed to Mussoorie for training. Others were lost in the Oblivion of Matrimony. But, wedding bells started ringing for the remainder, even before they reached Dehradun. Other than attending classes, all one could talk or hear about was Shaadi. Who is marrying whom, who is never going to marry whom etc. Girly-gangs were talking less and less and hearing more and more and that too, serious warnings from peers and parents: if you don't marry NOW, you probably never will! Poor girls. They were damned if they did and damned if they didn't. The cacophony of marriage in this phase reached high decibel levels and was deafening, to say the least.
What followed this phase was the disappearance of the girly-gangs for many years to come. Everyone went off to their respective postings in remote areas and led some kind of a solitary existence. Meetings with gangs of girls were few and far between. If you met you were too guarded and pursuing your own ambitions to be sharing anything except making Small Talk. Even those who were posted in Metros, were so involved in family and profession that I doubt if they had time to indulge in animated chats with friends in a group.
The next memory that I have of group discussions fast forwards to maybe five-six years. Suddenly one emerged from the cocoon of personal space and on again to groups. The Topic of Discussion? You got it right! School admissions for kids in state/national capital! Who can forget those days of hectic discussions with peers and seniors, possessing first hand experience of old and emerging centres of learning? To my mind it was social snobbery rather than relative merit of a particular school that pulled parents this way or that in finalising admissions. Whether it was dancing classes, or piano lessons or grades in school, the predominant topic of discussion was KIDS! I also noticed that men became less and less relevant at this stage in discussion forums and kids dominated the space vacated by them.
This phase went on and on till the kids cleared IIT or got admission in DU or in some Ivy league college, with or without scholarship. Time to Gloat over kids'achievements. But also introduced in this phase were brand new topics: Weight Loss and Looking Good. You had to be either going for walks or gymming or buying Saris or you were doomed. It had some very nice euphemisms which went something like "falling in love with one self all over again" or "you are the most important person in your life", etc etc. One had to have the best diet plan in the world or information on the latest weight reduction gimmicks or gadgets, or one couldn't be part of any sane discussion. If one also had information on Sari Sales or Best-Tailor-in-Town, one was elevated to leadrership status. This phase of self-improvement coincided with the kids flying the nest and I don't want to know which is the cause and which the effect!
Then we get to the present. It was such a shock to meet with a group of old friends and talk about Ashiana/Ghosla/Gharonda/Needam Projects. What was that, I dared to ask? Oh you don't know? We will need pragmatic housing, support services, personalized care and assistance with daily activities, health and medication! The new concept had come to India and we need to make bookings etc. I jumped out of my skin at this new Topic of Discussion. Are we already there, my mind was challenging me with great trepidation. Were we really talking about old age homes? Wasn't that an alien concept, meant for old people in western economies? Hadnt we given our kids enough "sanskar" to expect them to look after us in old age? Judging the mood and expertise of the gang of girls on this topic, I realised there was no point in indulging in rhetoric and that I should get my brochure immediately. Also, there was the odd murmuring of Bhajan Sandhya and wIsh Yoga or Shri Shri 108 Somebody, but I had completely blanked out by then, ready to walk away like a zombie!
Many actually realised their romantic dreams of the Second Phase during the following years, while some had them permanently shattered by a traditional Arranged Marriage. Some famous definitions did emerge as a consequence of this eg Love Marriage is when you marry the person you love while Arranged Marriage is when you have no option but to love the person you marry. But really, talking about Romance actually became taboo. If the romance actually happened it was all hush-hush. Probably that was the age of the Victorian Maiden and one emulated Bollywood divas in denying all "relationships", platonic or otherwise. "Oh we are just friends", became the refrain.
Then the Topic of Discussion suddenly changed. During the post graduation phase all one could talk about was the merit of Tata McGraw Hill publication over Manorma Year Book. Intense intellectual discussions, over freshly roasted peanuts and steaming hot cups of Chai became the norm. Discussions ranged from the benefits of Capitalism to the ideals of Utopian Socialism (which so inspired budding Marxists); from the merits of Presidential form of Government to relative advantages of Parliamentary Democracy. Career and ambition dominated the scene and nothing could have changed group dynamics as rising ambitions did. Everyone was a competitor and there was no greater comfort than in being secretive. SAT, GMAT, GRE were virtually unheard of and UPSC, RBI, PO, UGC exam etc. were innocuous, objective and safe subjects to talk of.
Some of us actually proved to be lucky thereafter and got into the services and headed to Mussoorie for training. Others were lost in the Oblivion of Matrimony. But, wedding bells started ringing for the remainder, even before they reached Dehradun. Other than attending classes, all one could talk or hear about was Shaadi. Who is marrying whom, who is never going to marry whom etc. Girly-gangs were talking less and less and hearing more and more and that too, serious warnings from peers and parents: if you don't marry NOW, you probably never will! Poor girls. They were damned if they did and damned if they didn't. The cacophony of marriage in this phase reached high decibel levels and was deafening, to say the least.
What followed this phase was the disappearance of the girly-gangs for many years to come. Everyone went off to their respective postings in remote areas and led some kind of a solitary existence. Meetings with gangs of girls were few and far between. If you met you were too guarded and pursuing your own ambitions to be sharing anything except making Small Talk. Even those who were posted in Metros, were so involved in family and profession that I doubt if they had time to indulge in animated chats with friends in a group.
The next memory that I have of group discussions fast forwards to maybe five-six years. Suddenly one emerged from the cocoon of personal space and on again to groups. The Topic of Discussion? You got it right! School admissions for kids in state/national capital! Who can forget those days of hectic discussions with peers and seniors, possessing first hand experience of old and emerging centres of learning? To my mind it was social snobbery rather than relative merit of a particular school that pulled parents this way or that in finalising admissions. Whether it was dancing classes, or piano lessons or grades in school, the predominant topic of discussion was KIDS! I also noticed that men became less and less relevant at this stage in discussion forums and kids dominated the space vacated by them.
This phase went on and on till the kids cleared IIT or got admission in DU or in some Ivy league college, with or without scholarship. Time to Gloat over kids'achievements. But also introduced in this phase were brand new topics: Weight Loss and Looking Good. You had to be either going for walks or gymming or buying Saris or you were doomed. It had some very nice euphemisms which went something like "falling in love with one self all over again" or "you are the most important person in your life", etc etc. One had to have the best diet plan in the world or information on the latest weight reduction gimmicks or gadgets, or one couldn't be part of any sane discussion. If one also had information on Sari Sales or Best-Tailor-in-Town, one was elevated to leadrership status. This phase of self-improvement coincided with the kids flying the nest and I don't want to know which is the cause and which the effect!
Then we get to the present. It was such a shock to meet with a group of old friends and talk about Ashiana/Ghosla/Gharonda/Needam Projects. What was that, I dared to ask? Oh you don't know? We will need pragmatic housing, support services, personalized care and assistance with daily activities, health and medication! The new concept had come to India and we need to make bookings etc. I jumped out of my skin at this new Topic of Discussion. Are we already there, my mind was challenging me with great trepidation. Were we really talking about old age homes? Wasn't that an alien concept, meant for old people in western economies? Hadnt we given our kids enough "sanskar" to expect them to look after us in old age? Judging the mood and expertise of the gang of girls on this topic, I realised there was no point in indulging in rhetoric and that I should get my brochure immediately. Also, there was the odd murmuring of Bhajan Sandhya and wIsh Yoga or Shri Shri 108 Somebody, but I had completely blanked out by then, ready to walk away like a zombie!
Now I have reached the point where I can predict the next Topic Of Discussion with my girly-gang. Kids' Marriages, you got it right again! Well it's already in the air, so no great shakes for having guessed it. Who wants marraige, I can almost hear some young kids challenging their indignant moms. I can also gauge the muted responses from Moms: oh you need stability; marriage is essential; you need to have babies; professional excellence is not everything; what will happen to you when we are gone? Sigh, I almost feel like we are scripting the Topics of Discussion for our daughters.
PS: Btw, what were the Topics of Discussion among the Gang of Boys while we were graduating from one predominant topic to another? It was always GIRLS. :)
PPS: Never abandon your Gang of Girls. They keep you grounded and sane, with their chirpiness and sheer joie-de-vivre.
PS: Btw, what were the Topics of Discussion among the Gang of Boys while we were graduating from one predominant topic to another? It was always GIRLS. :)
PPS: Never abandon your Gang of Girls. They keep you grounded and sane, with their chirpiness and sheer joie-de-vivre.
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